Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage* *Episode 149* *"THEY FIGHT THE REAL ENEMIES: EGO, EVIL EYE AND SHAITAN

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*Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage*

*Episode 149*

*"THEY FIGHT THE REAL ENEMIES: EGO, EVIL EYE AND SHAITAN."*

°•Ego,

Here’s what the growth curve of a Muslim couple that’s learnt to manage marital conflict looks like:

•1st year of marriage: blame all conflicts on spouse

•2nd year of marriage: blame all conflicts on spouse, shaytan, evil eye and magic (seriously),

•3rd year of marriage: blame spouse for ‘causing’ conflict and take nominal blame for reacting absurdly,

•4th year of marriage: make sure spouse takes at least half the blame for conflicts,

•5th year of marriage: agree that your spouse has been right all along and there’s something you need to change about yourself,

If you ask every happily married couple that’s successfully made it past the first five years, they’ll tell you there’s no bigger enemy to marital happiness than: ego .

Ego is the defense mechanism of the lower self , and ego in marriage sounds like:

Π“This is who I am and you

better get used to it”

Π“I wouldn’t have said/done

that if you didn’t say/do

what you did”

Π“It’s all because of you”

Π“Does it look like I care

anyway?”

Allah records Yusuf’s observation of the lower human self in the

Qur’an:

“… Verily, the (human) self

is inclined to evil, except

when my Lord bestows His

Mercy (upon whom He

wills). Verily, my Lord is Oft-

Forgiving, Most

Merciful.” 

[ Qur’an: Chapter 12, Verse 53 ]

Why ego is the biggest threat to a marriage is because it is an enemy from within. 

Ego is like a deceptive double agent

that distorts reality and makes us deny and justify the wrongs that our lower selves commit towards our spouses,

convincing us that we are right; while we are oppressing our own selves and our spouses and actually walking a path of

humiliating self-destruction.

The Prophet said:

“A believer is the mirror of

his brother. When he sees a

fault in it, he should correct

it.” 

[ Al Adab Al Mufrad]

There’s no one who mirrors our souls to us more accurately than our spouse, because no other human being gets to see us as intimately and habitually as they do. As a natural consequence, spouses stand the highest chance of

facing our ego: the defensive wrath of our lower selves. But allowing your lower self to prevail in your marriage

instead of seeing your marriage as a means to purify yourself is your own (disastrous) choice . 

Allah says in Surat Ash-Shams:

“And [by] the soul (self) and

He who proportioned it. And

inspired it [with discernment

of] its wickedness and its

righteousness. He has

succeeded who purifies it,

and he has failed who

instills it [with corruption].”

[Qur’an: Chapter 91, Verse 7-10 ]

Our spouses actually personify the mercy of Allah when they mirror our flaws to us so we can rise above our lower selves. They make us discern our innermost weaknesses that we could not have seen for ourselves, and Allah has blessed us with them for our own spiritual purification and salvation.

The next time your spouse is desperately trying to get something about yourself across to you:

1. Just listen. Listen carefully and objectively , especially if they have been repeating it for a very long time.

2. Control the urge to defend yourself : look for the truth in your spouse’s words first.

3. Ask yourself: “Has anyone pointed this out about me before? ” The answer could very likely be a yes, and if it is, then you’re definitely looking at a flaw that Allah wants you to work on and get rid of.

4. Realize how merciful Allah is being to you through your spouse. Thank Allah and your spouse sincerely for caring so much about your success in the hereafter and making you a better person.

Try this 4-step exercise the next time you face conflict in your marriage. I promise you’ll see marital conflict in a whole new light: your spouse will no longer be the enemy and you’ll realize just what a big blessing they are for you!

Evil Eye

The Prophet said:

“The evil eye is real.” 

[Ibn Majah ]

I am always in awe of the power of this extremely concise hadith, because it delivers three vital messages about the evil eye in one 5-word sentence:

the harm of the evil eye is very, very real (in case you were even thinking otherwise) do not put yourself in its way; and take measures to protect yourself from it If you agree with point one, the second and third points just follow naturally. 

Muslim couples today are actually serving their marriages on exquisitely decorated social media platters for the evil eye to devour: not just the ceremony, but every single verbal and non-verbal marital exchange, meal, meeting, moment, mood and micro-

second!

You cannot be friends with 500+ people on social media, half of whom may be trying hard to get married for a long time and keep shoving your marital happiness in their face.

Not only is it unnecessary, it is highly insensitive. Happy Muslim couples do share their marital happiness, but sensibly. Before sharing anything about your marital life with the public, ask yourself:

Is it necessary to share it with all the people I’m about to disclose it to?

Will it make any of them long to be in my position?

Is it better off being private?

Not putting your marriage in the way of the evil eye is the first way of protecting it from its harm. Reading the morning and evening adhkar, the duas prescribed for protection against the evil eye as well as cimmensely thanking Allah for your marriage and your spouse

fortifies this protection immensely.

°•Shaytan

Remember all that incomprehensible pre-wedding drama between your spouse’s family and yours, or those regular ridiculous flare-ups that you realize made absolutely no sense after you and your spouse cooled down (e.g.: when

“why did you turn off the light when you know I was reading?” ends in “marrying you was the biggest mistake of

my life!” – W.H.A.T?!): 

yes, all those absurd, bizarre arguments that sprang out of nothing and all the other senseless discord in your marriage are the best compliments of shaytan.

The Prophet said:

“Iblis (shaytan) places his

throne upon water; he then

sends detachments (for

creating dissension); the

nearer to him in rank are

those who are most

notorious in creating

dissension. One of them

comes and says: I did so

and so. And he says: You

have done nothing. Then

one amongst them comes

and says: I did not spare so

and so until I sowed the

seed of discord between a

husband and a wife. The

Satan goes near him and

says: ‘You have done well

and then embraces

him.” 

[Muslim ]

Shaytan doesn’t have any principles when he seeks to create marital discord: in fact, the rule is that he attacks from where you least expect it. 

Like through your normally loving, religious and sensible parent/sibling/well-wisher who begins to magnify some irrelevant flaw in your spouse that was somehow never an issue before you tied the knot.

Shaytan perpetuates his whispers through their tongues, and you unwittingly believe them because they are your loved ones. And thus begins insane marital strife. Here’s how to protect your marriage from the shaytan:

Read the mu’awwadhatayn (Surat Al-Falaq and Surat An-Nas) and morning and evening adhkar daily.

If your spouse is behaving in a way or saying things they normally don’t, politely say: “honey, let’s not let the shaytan get to us.” This is a tried and tested way to defuse a senseless argument before it starts.

If you find yourself starting to get angry, seek refuge in Allah from the shaytan immediately. If you hear anything negative about your spouse from anyone, examine the words for signs of

shaytan’s whispers and traps. 

If there’s anything that may cause you to have even the slightest ill-feeling or resentment towards your spouse, consciously recall all the good in your spouse and compare it to what’s being said about them: you’ll see the false/irrelevant claims quickly dissipating.

{To be continued In-sha-Allāh (If Allāh Wills)...}

"And keep reminding, because reminding benefits the believers." (Qur-ān 51:55)