*10 HABITS OF HAPPY MUSLIM COUPLES* (Part 8)
*8. They fight the real enemies: ego, evil eye and shaytan*
*Ego* 📛📛📛
Here’s what the growth curve of a Muslim couple that’s learnt to manage marital conflict looks like:
*1st year of marriage:* blame all conflicts on spouse
*2nd year of marriage:* blame all conflicts on spouse, shaytan, evil eye and magic (seriously)
*3rd year of marriage:* blame spouse for ‘causing’ conflict and take nominal blame for reacting absurdly
*4th year of marriage:* make sure spouse takes at least half the blame for conflicts
*5th year of marriage:* agree that your spouse has been right all along and there’s something you need to change about yourself
If you ask every happily married couple that’s successfully made it past the first five years, they’ll tell you there’s no bigger enemy to marital happiness than: *ego*
Ego is the defence mechanism of the lower self, and ego in marriage sounds like:
“ *This is who I am and you better get used to it”*
*“I wouldn’t have said/done that if you didn’t say/do what you did”*
*“It’s all because of you”*
*“Does it look like I care anyway?”*
And ego sounds very, very familiar.
This is because the lower self is a covert enemy lurking within each and every one of us. Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) records Yusuf’s ‘alayhi’l-salām (peace be upon him) observation of the lower human self in the Qur’an:
*“…Verily, the (human) self is inclined to evil, except when my Lord bestows His Mercy (upon whom He wills). Verily, my Lord is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”* [Qur’an: Chapter 12, Verse 53]
This doesn’t mean we are all inherently bad, but that we all have lower selves that are inclined to be oppressive, unruly and unjust; and it is only Allah’s subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) mercy that can make us rise above our destructive, narcissistic lower selves.
Why ego is the biggest threat to a marriage is because it is an enemy from within. Ego is like a deceptive double agent that distorts reality and makes us deny and justify the wrongs that our lower selves commit towards our spouses, convincing us that we are right; while we are oppressing our own selves and our spouses and actually walking a path of humiliating self-destruction.
The Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said:
*“A believer is the mirror of his brother. When he sees a fault in it, he should correct it.”* [Al Adab Al Mufrad]
There’s no one who mirrors our souls to us more accurately than our spouse, because no other human being gets to see us as intimately and habitually as they do. As a natural consequence, spouses stand the highest chance of facing our ego: the defensive wrath of our lower selves. But allowing your lower self to prevail in your marriage instead of seeing your marriage as a means to purify yourself is your own (disastrous) choice. Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) says in Surat Ash-Shams:
“ *And [by] the soul (self) and He who proportioned it. And inspired it [with discernment of] its wickedness and its righteousness. He has succeeded who purifies it, and he has failed who instills it [with corruption].* ” [Qur’an: Chapter 91, Verse 7-10]
Our spouses actually personify the mercy of Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) when they mirror our flaws to us so we can rise above our lower selves. They make us discern our innermost weaknesses that we could not have seen for ourselves, and Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) has blessed us with them for our own spiritual purification and salvation.
The next time your spouse is desperately trying to get something about yourself across to you:
1⃣ Just listen. Listen carefully and objectively, especially if they have been repeating it for a very long time.
2⃣ Control the urge to defend yourself: look for the truth in your spouse’s words first.
3⃣ Ask yourself: “Has anyone pointed this out about me before?”The answer could very likely be a yes, and if it is, then you’re definitely looking at a flaw that Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) wants you to work on and get rid of.
4⃣ Realize how merciful Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) is being to you through your spouse. Thank Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) and your spouse sincerely for caring so much about your success in the hereafter and making you a better person.
Try this 4-step exercise the next time you face conflict in your marriage. I promise you’ll see marital conflict in a whole new light: your spouse will no longer be the enemy and you’ll realize just what a big blessing they are for you!
To be continued... In-sha-Allah.
*"And keep reminding, because reminding benefits the believers."*(51:55)
*8. They fight the real enemies: ego, evil eye and shaytan*
*Ego* 📛📛📛
Here’s what the growth curve of a Muslim couple that’s learnt to manage marital conflict looks like:
*1st year of marriage:* blame all conflicts on spouse
*2nd year of marriage:* blame all conflicts on spouse, shaytan, evil eye and magic (seriously)
*3rd year of marriage:* blame spouse for ‘causing’ conflict and take nominal blame for reacting absurdly
*4th year of marriage:* make sure spouse takes at least half the blame for conflicts
*5th year of marriage:* agree that your spouse has been right all along and there’s something you need to change about yourself
If you ask every happily married couple that’s successfully made it past the first five years, they’ll tell you there’s no bigger enemy to marital happiness than: *ego*
Ego is the defence mechanism of the lower self, and ego in marriage sounds like:
“ *This is who I am and you better get used to it”*
*“I wouldn’t have said/done that if you didn’t say/do what you did”*
*“It’s all because of you”*
*“Does it look like I care anyway?”*
And ego sounds very, very familiar.
This is because the lower self is a covert enemy lurking within each and every one of us. Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) records Yusuf’s ‘alayhi’l-salām (peace be upon him) observation of the lower human self in the Qur’an:
*“…Verily, the (human) self is inclined to evil, except when my Lord bestows His Mercy (upon whom He wills). Verily, my Lord is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”* [Qur’an: Chapter 12, Verse 53]
This doesn’t mean we are all inherently bad, but that we all have lower selves that are inclined to be oppressive, unruly and unjust; and it is only Allah’s subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) mercy that can make us rise above our destructive, narcissistic lower selves.
Why ego is the biggest threat to a marriage is because it is an enemy from within. Ego is like a deceptive double agent that distorts reality and makes us deny and justify the wrongs that our lower selves commit towards our spouses, convincing us that we are right; while we are oppressing our own selves and our spouses and actually walking a path of humiliating self-destruction.
The Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said:
*“A believer is the mirror of his brother. When he sees a fault in it, he should correct it.”* [Al Adab Al Mufrad]
There’s no one who mirrors our souls to us more accurately than our spouse, because no other human being gets to see us as intimately and habitually as they do. As a natural consequence, spouses stand the highest chance of facing our ego: the defensive wrath of our lower selves. But allowing your lower self to prevail in your marriage instead of seeing your marriage as a means to purify yourself is your own (disastrous) choice. Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) says in Surat Ash-Shams:
“ *And [by] the soul (self) and He who proportioned it. And inspired it [with discernment of] its wickedness and its righteousness. He has succeeded who purifies it, and he has failed who instills it [with corruption].* ” [Qur’an: Chapter 91, Verse 7-10]
Our spouses actually personify the mercy of Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) when they mirror our flaws to us so we can rise above our lower selves. They make us discern our innermost weaknesses that we could not have seen for ourselves, and Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) has blessed us with them for our own spiritual purification and salvation.
The next time your spouse is desperately trying to get something about yourself across to you:
1⃣ Just listen. Listen carefully and objectively, especially if they have been repeating it for a very long time.
2⃣ Control the urge to defend yourself: look for the truth in your spouse’s words first.
3⃣ Ask yourself: “Has anyone pointed this out about me before?”The answer could very likely be a yes, and if it is, then you’re definitely looking at a flaw that Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) wants you to work on and get rid of.
4⃣ Realize how merciful Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) is being to you through your spouse. Thank Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) and your spouse sincerely for caring so much about your success in the hereafter and making you a better person.
Try this 4-step exercise the next time you face conflict in your marriage. I promise you’ll see marital conflict in a whole new light: your spouse will no longer be the enemy and you’ll realize just what a big blessing they are for you!
To be continued... In-sha-Allah.
*"And keep reminding, because reminding benefits the believers."*(51:55)
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