Guidelines To Intimacy In Islam Episode 7

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Guidelines To Intimacy In Islam

Episode 7

How Regularly Should Husband have Intercourse with his Wife so that her rights are fulfilled?

Now that we have learnt that both spouses have right to sexual relations, and that it must be fulfilled, does Islam give us any guidelines as to how regularly a husband should have sexual relations with his wife to fulfil her needs.

There are 5 opinions on this:

1. Once every four nights.

2. Once every month.

3. Once every four months.

4. Whenever he wants.

5. Once a week.

1.➖ Imam Abu Hamid al-Ghazali عليه تعاىل هللا رحمة holds that it is religiously obligatory for a man to have sex with his wife once every four nights. His bases his ruling on the following incident that occurred in the time of Umar.

Awoman came to 'Umar and said, "My husband stands at night [in Salaah] and fasts during the day." 

  Umar' said, ''You have praised your husband excellently well." 

Ka'b ibn Sawwar said to 'Umar, "She is [actually] complaining." 

  Umar' asked, "How?" 

He said, "She claims to have no share in the marriage from her husband [meaning her husband does not fulfil her sensual rights]." 

  Umar' said, "If you understand this much, then you decide between them." 

He (Ka'b) said, "0 Amir ul-Mu'minin! Allaah Ta’aala has permitted him four wives. 

So she has one day of every four days, and one night of every four nights." 

(Suyuti, Taarikh ul-Khulafaa P: 161)

In light of this, Imam Ghazali's view is that a man must fulfil his wife's sexual 

needs once every four nights, since he is permitted to spend the other three 

nights with his other wives, were he to have four.

2.➖ Imam Ibn Hazm عليه تعاىل هللا رحمة holds that it is religiously obligatory for a man to sleep with his wife once every month. He states: "It is obligatory upon a man to have intercourse with his wife at leastonce in every interval (tuhr) between menstruations if he is able to do so, otherwise he will be sinful. The proof for this is the Quraan: 

"But when they are purified (from menstruation), then approach them from 

where Allaah Ta’aala has commanded you." (Al-Muhalla P: 1672)

Imam Ibn Hazm derives his opinion from the word "Approach them," a command demanding obligation.Most scholars consider this command to be in the position of permission and not that of command.

3.➖ According to some scholars, a man must have sex with his wife once every four months or else he is sinful. They substantiate their position with the following narration:

Ibn Jarir عليه تعاىل هللا رحمة relates, "I was informed by the one whom I trust that Umar' Ibnul-Khattāb while on patrol, heard a woman 

saying [singing poetry], "This night stretches out and is dark, and that I am without a companion to be intimate with has made me sleepless. Were it not for the fear of Allaah Ta’aala like unto Whom there is none, the sides of this couch would have been moving."  

Umar'said, "What is wrong with you?"

She said, ''You sent my husband on an expedition some months ago, and I long for 

him."

He said, "Do you intend to do wrong?" 

She said, "I seek the refuge of Allaah Ta’aala!" 

He said, "So restrain yourself, for it is only a matter of the message being delivered to him." 

  Umar' sent a message to him [to return]. Then he went to [Hafsa] his daughter and said, "I want to ask you about a matter which concerns me, so dispel it for me (clear the matter up for me). How long can a woman remain without her husband?" 

She lowered her head and was shy. 

He said, 'Truly Allaah Ta’aala is not shy of the truth." So she gestured with her hand indicating three months, and if that is not possible, then four months. Hence Umar' declared that armies must not be kept on service for more than four months." (Tarikh ul-Khulafaa' P: 161-162) 

Imam Muwaffaq al-Din Ibn Qudama عليه تعاىل هللا رحمة ,a great Hambali Faqeeh,Asserts that if the husband abstains from fulfilling his wife's sexual needs dueto an Islamically valid reason such as illness, then there is no fixed time period for having intercourse with her. If, however, he abstains without any genuine 

reason, he is obliged to have intercourse within four months, and if he fails to fulfil her sexual needs after this period, he is ordered to divorce her. (Al-Mughni8: 551-552)

4.➖ Most jurists hold the view that it is a religious obligation for a husband to have 

intercourse with his wife whenever the urge is there.This last position seems to be the most reasonable and practical, especially in our 

times. As such, the husband must engage in sexual relations with his wife every so often- enough to maintain her outward and inward chastity such that she does not incline towards committing an unlawful act. If a man consistently refuses hiswife, he will be sinful.

The Shari'ah does not fix any restriction on how often a couple may engage in sexual activity, as the temperament, physique and sexual libido of each individual varies considerably. As such, couples should mutually decide what is best suited for them. There is no general set rule in this matter; the answer will vary from 

couple to couple, keeping in mind the needs of both spouses.

Islam is a Deen of Moderation

However, Islam is a religion of moderation and we are encouraged to be moderate in all aspects of life. Moderation permeates every teaching of Islam, and even in sexual matters, moderation is the ideal approach.

To abstain from it, or to have too little of it will be detrimental to our health. At the same time, to indulge in intercourse excessively will also be detrimental to our health. 

Faqih Abu-Layth al-Samarqandi relates in his Al-Bustaan from Sayyidina 'Ali that, "Whoever is desirous of a long healthy life should eat in 

the mornings and evenings, avoid taking loans, abstain from walking around bare-footed, and desist from having intercourse excessively." (Qaanun-e-Mubaasharaat P:16)

Note that this is not a Shari'ah ruling, but rather a piece of general advice. It is advisable in this regard to consult a specialist should one be concerned about one's personal situation.

5.➖ Some scholars recommend having sex once a week and consider this to fall within the ambit of moderation. They base their position on the Hadith related by  Thaqafi-al Aws ibn Aws that Rasulullaah صلى الله عليه وسلم said:

"Whoever causes [his spouse] to bathe and bathes himself on Friday, then goes 

out early [for Friday prayers], walks and does not ride, and takes his seat close to 

the imam and listens attentively, and does not indulge in futility, will earn the 

reward of a year's fasting and praying at night for every step he takes." (Sunan 

Abu Dawud 349 and Sunan al-Nasa'i 1381, the wording is of Abu Dawud)

In this Hadith, Rasulullaah صلى الله عليه وسلم uses the phrase, "man ghassala" which translates literally as "whoever bathes another" or ''whoever causes another to bathe." 

Imam Suyuti عليه تعاىل هللا رحمة interprets this statement in his commentary of Sunan al-Nasa'i where he says, " ... And it is said that the meaning of ghassala (bathes another or causes another to bathe) means he has sex with his spousebefore leaving for [Friday] prayers, because this will aid him in lowering his gaze on the way ... " (Sunan al-Nasa'i bi Sharh al-Suyuti 3:95)

Accordingly, one of the meanings of this Hadith is that whoever has sex with his wife on Friday and so takes a bath himself and causes his wife to take a bath, and puts into practice the other actions mentioned, will earn the reward of a year's fasting and praying at night for every step he takes to Friday prayers.Because Friday comes once every week, these scholars consider that having intercourse once a week is recommended and in line with the spirit of 

moderation.

In conclusion, moderation is the golden rule. Having relations too often can be exhausting and unhealthy, whilst abandoning it altogether or reducing it to a bare minimum may also be damaging and unhealthy.Couples should negotiate, in an honest and respectful manner, what is an achievable goal for them in terms of sexual activity so that they may settle on a 

level that is mutually satisfactory.