Guidelines To Intimacy In Islam Episode 5

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Guidelines To Intimacy In Islam

Episode 5

It is a Grave Sin if the Wife Refuses Sex

It is a grave sin, in normal circumstances, for the wife to refuse her husband, and even more so if her refusal leads to the husband committing an unlawful act. Imam Nawawi states in his commentary of the Hadith related by Abu Hurayra in which Rasulullaah صلى الله عليه وسلم said,

"By the One in Whose hands is my life, there is not a man who calls his wife to his bed and she refuses except that Allaah Ta’aala becomes angry with her until her husband is pleased with her." (Sahih Muslim 1436)

'This Hadith indicates that it is unlawful (Haraam) for the wife to refuse her husband sexual relations without a valid reason. Menstruation is not considered a valid reason, since the husband has a right to enjoy her from above the garment [i.e. with her clothes acting as a barrier]." (Al-Minhaj Sharh Sahih Muslim P: 1084)

It was in this context that Rasulullaah صلى الله عليه وسلم instructed women to seek permission from their husbands before observing a voluntary fast, since the husband may desire to fulfil his sensual needs whilst she is fasting. He صلى الله عليه وسلم said:

"A woman must not fast [i.e. optional fasts] whilst her husband is staying with her except with his permission." (al-Bukhari 4896)

*Two Important Points*

Two points, however, are worth considering here:

➖ Firstly, the husband's right to demand intercourse does not mean that he is allowed to force himself violently over his wife for sexual gratification.

The Hadith mention the husband "sleeping in a state of anger" and "being displeased" demonstrating the fact that the husband should restrain himself from forcing himself aggressively over her and hurting her. Had this been allowed, surely Rasulullaah صلى الله عليه وسلم would have permitted it for the husband.

If the wife is menstruating or has postnatal bleeding, she is ill, physically unable to have intercourse, exhausted, emotionally drained or sexual activity is detrimental to her well-being, then she no longer is obligated to comply with her husband's demands for intercourse. Rather, the husband is required to show her sympathy by understanding that she may be unable to have intercourse. 

Allaah Ta’aala tells us in Surah Baqarah:

"On no soul does Allaah Ta’aala place a burden greater than it can bear." (Qur'an 2:286)

It is often observed that a husband will demand his wife to fulfil his sensual needs, 

disregarding the fact that she is extremely ill and not physically capable of doing it. Some threaten their wives with divorce, and support their behaviour by quoting Ahaadith. It is important to understand that if the wife is not in a state to engage in sexual activity and has a genuine and Islamically valid reason, but the 

husband forces her, then he will be sinful. We as husbands need to realise that our wives are also human beings, and not machines that can be switched on and off whenever we desire!

➖ Secondly, the wife's duty to make herself available applies in normal situations. When she has a valid excuse she may refuse. But to refuse, because she wants to use sex as a weapon is not permitted in Islam. For her to simply " I am not feeling up to it" is not a justified reason.

In the end, these matters are best resolved through mutual understanding, regard 

for one another, love, gentleness and putting one's spouse before oneself. 

Rasulullaah صلى الله عليه وسلم said:

"None of you can be a [true] believer until they love for their brother what they love for themselves" (Sahih Muslim 45).

The importance of this concept becomes even greater in a marital relationship.