Dealing with loveless Marriage

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Dealing with loveless Marriage

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Disclaimer: This article is long, only those with patience can read, but trust me, it is worth reading.

Subhanallah, today we see that there are more loveless marriages than love marriages in our ummah, and this syndrome is breaking our homes and destroying our children. Which is why I chose to comment on this issue today. For starters, it is crucial to understand what a loveless marriage is. 

According to Dr Wyatt Fisher, a famous and well-decorated relationship therapist, a loveless marriage is a union of two where one or both partners do not feel in love. Instead of being romantic lovers, they often feel more like roommates or siblings. Being in a loveless marriage often breeds isolation, resentment, and hopelessness.  

Lots of factors have contributed to loveless marriages in today's world. It does not matter whether it is a Muslim or non-Muslim home. it can become a cup of tea for anyone. We see how loveless marriages lead to extra-marital affairs, drug abuse, depression, suicide, and so on. This topic really needs to be properly addressed in order to save others from falling victims of this circumstance. First, we must trace the root of this problem before offering a solution to it. 

CAUSES OF LOVELESSNESS IN MARRIAGES

1. Forced Marriage - Forced marriages are among the roots of all evil. Forced marriage is haram in Islam. The Prophet PBUH never consent to a forced marriage. Forcing someone into a marriage is like forcing them to take poison. Therefore, they will do everything to get rid of it. Only a few forced marriages become successful. Many have ruined lives, caused destructions and end with a bad divorce. 

2. Arranged or Business marriage - Some marriages are arranged with intention to achieve economic, financial, or business goals. Do not toy around with someone's future, marriage is not a one-day affair, it is a lifetime commitment. Whoever does that to someone, they will surely never forgive them. Such marriages lead to maltreatment, violence and extra marital affairs. 

3. Zina-oriented marriage - This marriage is done because it is the only option. One meets the other and commit zina, and the relationship was never meant to be serious, it was only meant for fornication. Accidentally, a pregnancy gets involved. So, they decide to cover it up by getting married. Such marriage is definitely not blessed due to its circumstance and surely the man will hate the woman and vice versa. 

4. Luxury Marriage (or debt) - This marriage started as a love marriage, in the process of the relationship, a lot was spent, and the groom was exhausted and indebted as a result of the daily demands of the marriage. It is simply a marriage built on lies and deception. Hence, after the marriage, the couple have to deal with debts. As such, they begin to hate each other and that is the beginning of their loveless marriage. 

5. Bad Habits - Regardless of whether it is a love or forced marriage, one of the couple introduces bad habits and the situation worsens everyday. Hate is eventually developed, for which marriage starts to lose its spices and ends up being a loveless marriage.

6. Deceptive start (fake lifestyle) - Here, the relationship all starts with lies and fake appearances such as hair attachment, skin bleaching, borrowed cars, watches, clothes and expensive appearances. When marriage is done, the true colour of the individual reveals itself, hence, hate begins to surface in the relationship. Within a year or two, marriage begins to take a different dimension. As such, love gradually fades out. 

7. High Expectations - Most loveless marriages have their genesis from high expectation. One thinks of a woman as being a pious religions woman or vice versa. She thinks he is rich, and can continue to spend on her. She thinks he is a honey boy; he would kiss and hug her each time he comes or leaves. Gradually, the reality of the individuals starts to display. So, hate develops and love disappears. 

SIGNS OF A LOVELESS MARRIAGE

The moment you see some of these signs in your marriage, it is an indication that you are heading to a loveless marriage life. Have a look:

1. Endless Criticisms - He or she criticises the other on minor issues and the criticism keeps growing. Appreciation is very less compared to criticism. Couple begin to look for loopholes in their partner so as to establish a room for criticism. 

2. No sex - Couple become distant from sexual intercourse or anything intimate. No kisses, no hugs, no good night kisses. On the bed, they face opposite directions away from each other. From one sex a week, to one sex a month, to no sex in six months, and to no sex in two years. At times, they stop having sexual arousals when they are around each other. Some even start to think about their Exes (ex-boyfriend or girlfriend)

3. Rather spend time outside - The man starts to come home late; he prefers the company of his friends. If you see him at home, it is only time to sleep. He stops eating at home. As for the ladies, they prefer the company of their mobile phones and chitchats with friends. When she goes to school or work, she stops at five to ten different places. On weekends, she is always at the neighbours’ house. 

4. No support - they withdraw all forms of support given to each other. All responsibilities dropped, such as upkeeps, food supply, clothing etc. Although some men would bring food but won’t provide other necessary items. The lady has to struggle for herself. You could sense a sign of no mercy in the relationship.

5. Violence - Some couples start to go crazy by engaging in physical abuse. Insults and curse every day, merciless beating and no fear of causing harm on each other. 

6. Not sharing Table, Bed, parlour - They stop eating together, sleeping on the same bed, and finding it much difficult to sit in the same environment. 

7. Ranting - nagging on issues from morning to night. Something happened last year and he or she is still making reference to it. 

8.. Bad habits - The man starts to adopt bad habits such as drugs, female friends, late night parties, drinking, surfing the social media late at night, insults, disrespectfulness towards wife's parents. As for the wife, she starts to disengage from good appearance, stops smelling good, introduces attitudes and manners that threatens the happiness of the house. 

9. Abusing children - some couples especially the men would often beat or dump their anger on the children in an effort to hurt the mother. This often happen with girl child. If he doesn't love the mother, he equally hates the daughter and he beats her on minor insignificant issues. 

HOW TO DEAL WITH THE SITUATION 

First and foremost, one has to accept their marriage situation as Qadr; something that fate has given you. However, in order to overcome the situation, whether you are a man or woman, you must put Allah first. It is ok not to love, but it is not ok to harm or cause pain to someone bcos we don't love them. When you make this rule a basic rule in your heart, then by the grace of Allah, even when the love disappears, respect and harmony remain in the marriage. Now after settling with this, go ahead and try the following:

1. Change environment - When things get difficult, change your environment. As a man, you may fake a trip so as to stay away for a while. As a woman, you can also go home and assist your parents. Let them know that you are giving space to your husband, don't hide it, every marriage comes with challenges. You can even join friends to organize long trips to parks or some resort far away, where you can get the tension out of your system.

2. Do either of the three - The threes I am talking about are: Enrol in a school so that the time you spend at home becimes less, or start a business so that your engage more with customers and spend less hours at home, then, most importantly, focus on ibada. When things get bad, your commitment to ibada can soften your heart and give you solutions. Then focus more on your children. Dont lose your spouse and then lose your children. No, you have to be smart. 

3. Stop complaining - When you already understand the situation, stop complaining, dont talk about it, just get over it and move on. The more you talk about it, the more people misguide you. So accept the reality and move on.

4. Be a Yes Boss - Each time his or her tantrum starts, just say YES Sir or YES Madam. Do not give room for further argument, you have been there many times, so why waste your precious time. Even if he insults, just say yes sir, its ok. Time will come when he will start laughing at himself or herself. 

5. Pray over it - Don't stop your prayers. Prayers are your strongest weapons. Allah does not sleep, He will surely make your situation better, but only if you are truly honest to Him and to your self. 

6. Improve daily - Despite the fact that things are not better, do not relent in your effort to be a good spouse. If you are a woman, always smell nice, dress good, cook well, clean the house, make sure everything is in order. Don't give him room for complains. Expect your reward from Allah not from him. Even if he does not praise you, Allah and His Angels do. As a Man, keep being Mr. Nice, dont give up, always give her a home so that she realizes her mistakes and change for good. 

7. Send Sex Signals - Despite the bad situation, send signals for sex, or invite him for sex. Dress in your shots, wear your see-through, sometimes, walk naked in your room, look sexy like Laura does to Massimo. Even if he is not interested physically, he is internally. One day, he will break the silence. 

8. Respect Boundaries - When things get bad, respect the line, do not cross the boundaries. Do not go close, stay in the middle. Don't you dare cross your no go zone. 

9. Consider divorce - If peace and diplomacy did not work, you have involved parents and all respected members of the family, then it is better you see divorce. Some men wont divorce the wife, as a woman you should know that Allah has given you a tool called 'Khula'. With Khula, you can ask for a divorce from a judge and the judge can grant the divorce with or without the consent of the husband. Note, only judge can do that. As a man, do not continue to torture someone's daughter, releive her, let her be. 

10. Last but not the least, don't get children involved in this mess, do not maltreat them bcos of their father or mother. And do not do any stupid in their presence, for it will leave a long lasting scar on their memories. 

May Allah grant us peace, love and harmony in our marriages. Amin. 

If you wish to add to what has been said, you are welcome to do so.