On the Discourse of Beating Women

 On the Discourse of Beating Women

May peace be upon you - a while ago, I wrote about a woman-beater who beats his wife and then divorced her. Today, I want us to look at the issue of beating women from a different dimension. Before I dwell on it, I will, first of all, give a disclaimer. I condemn domestic violence, I condemn women maltreatment and I don't support men who engage in doing so. Please note that.

One would say why are women are beaten? Is it a general experience that every woman is beaten by her husband? The answer is no. So why do some men beat their wives?

Some men a naturally too harsh and not too easy to accommodate. They lack anger management and self-discipline. When they are angry, they yell, beat or curse. Such is bad behavior and it could lead to bad parenting and raising violent kids.

At times, women, I must say, are the ones causing such eventualities (i.e. beating and other domestic problems). As a woman, you should know that the following attitudes, or rather, behavior, could lead a man to beat you especially if he is the type that easily loses his temper:

1. Disobedience - Be careful with men, they consider everything as disobedience, including corrections, observations, suggestions, etc. So if you wish to live in peace, try to obey your husband. Men want power, the moment you challenge their power, they lose themselves. I understand it is difficult to obey everything, yes, if you want to try, then treat your marriage as ibada, e.g. Salah for example. Do not do anything that could spoil it. Nurture it, be patient in the act and you shall succeed. If you wish to correct your husband, find a suitable time, and learn the ethics of correction so as not to cause a problem. Dear Men, please learn to accept your mistakes, and correction is not a sign of disobedience. 

2. Outing without permission - a study on the causes of divorce in northern Nigeria reveals that 30% percent of divorce were instigated by the above reason i.e. women get divorced very often for going out of their homes without permission, or they took permission to go to house X, then on the way back ended up at house Y and Z. Such is a bad habit and it creates suspicion in the mind of your husbands. In fact, most women who do that are considered irreligious and irresponsible. Men easily get irritated by this bad habit. A hadith by Al-Bukhari reveal that the Messenger has cursed women who go out without permission. Thus, some men can beat bcos of this. 

3. Ungratefulness - one of the greatest sins committed by women is ungratefulness. When the Prophet performed Isra and Mi'iraj, He saw women in the hell, and this habit is one of the causes of the torment of the hellfire naturally most women are not grateful, only a few are. When your husband sees that he push mountains and spent hours on the road to travel distance in order to feed you and yet, you are ungrateful, surely if care is not taken, he will beat you when things get out of hand. However, dear men, it is not befitting to beat a woman bcos of her ungratefulness. It is better to divorce her if every measure fails. 

4. Illicit relationship with non-maharam - astagfirillah, some men cheat, but they can die if their wife cheat. But what is so important if women cheat or have illicit relationships? The reason is simply. Maintaining good genealogy, or in other words, maintaining the fatherhood, heirship, so that a bastard doesn't get inheritance that doesn't belong to him or her. Secondly, if as a wife, you cheat or have affair, it can affect your daughters, as girls can easily notice if their mothers are flirting around. Wallahi I know of many cases where the children know. So definitely if he suspects anything, he can beat you out of anger. Some scholars even support this type of beating. Nonetheless, I disagree. Divorce her and return her to her parents with honor rather than beat her.

5. Stealing - stealing from your husband is wrong especially when he is the type that buys large food stocks. At times you think he does not notice right? Hmm, men only overlooked, but they know. Likewise stealing in his pocket or cap, you are actually losing your respect. Some men cannot show that they know, once they are irritated, they blast 💥. 

6. Laziness - Laziness involves not being inactive, not being committed to your domestic responsibilities, not doing things on time, always late on everything, always not cleaning up daily, etc. Men who marry a full housewife always want to see an active wife. When you fail, they lose it too. 

7. Disrespecting in-laws - I know that in-laws are frustrating, they are boring, they are troubling, they are anti-peace, they are selfish, wallahi they are everything. Though there are some good in-laws like mine. But honestly, sometimes you feel like cursing or insulting them. Don't... I repeat don't... Even if you are his queen, the day you disrespect his parents, you are done. Unless you are using magic. No matter what, have peace with them. If peace is impossible, get someone to intervene and set rules with the consent of your husband. Let your husband understand the situation well. Lots of marriages died bcos of in-laws. 

8. Lazy in bed and kitchen - I will open this section with the famous saying of Ali (RA) that men need three things and failure to provide them means trouble. Sex, when as a wife you fail in this regard, then expect frustration from your husband. Food, men love to eat, they use food to impress their friends and family. When you can't cook well, then you are useless. Some men could ignore, but some won't. Some, if you fail in these two areas, then nothing will stop a man from dumping his frustration on you. Fix it, nowadays YouTube is the best platform to learn how to cook and give your man the best intimate moments. 

9. Having friends - if you know you have those friends who look like roasted chickens and you bring them home, trust me, it is only a matter of time before he blasts. Men hate girlfriends. Men believe they are responsible for every misdeed you do. And we believe they are the ones that always introduce u to magicians and sorcerers. Avoid them completely. Have decent friends only. 

10. Crossing the limits - this means anything that is said to you as instruction, stay within it. For example, you asked to go to your family house, instead of coming back home early, you stay till 11pm. Most men will not tolerate it. He gives you money to buy food items and you know you have exceeded your limit, yet you ignored the warning. Men easily get crazy. So avoid it. 

11. Faking things - Men hate wives who fake everything, e.g. their boobs, hair, eyelashes, height, etc. We feel embarrassed seeing our wives in that manner when we are among friends and family. Stay natural. That brings me to my next point which is literally related. 

12. Pre-marital issues - for example in the case of my colleague whom I told u about, one of the reasons for the beating is that they had issues Before the marriage. One, he didn't like her. Two, they are not compatible. Three, her class is lower than his. Parents pushed for the wedding, so his frustration is always on her. Apart from that, when you had pre-marriage sex with your partner things get tough after marriage. He loses trust in you and he is always suspicious of you. So on minor issues, he beats.

13. Co-wife crisis - This is the worse scenario, May Allah protect our women folks from co-wives crisis. Most women get divorced as a result of their co-wife for the following reasons:

a. One is harming the other physically and mentally using magic or evil. 

b. One is harming the children of the other.

c. One beat the other or even cause serious damage.

d. At times one would abuse the husband in front of the other, so in trying to show his dominance, he ends up beating her. 

e. One says "Choose me or her if you mother truly born you"

No man would accept any of the above, so hear this, engaging in one of the above could get you a beating or even a divorce.  

14. Negligence on children - Some men feel sad when they see that their kids are not taken care of. And it makes them very angry. So some men find it offensive, disrespectful, embarrassing to see their children in a bad state.

15. Lack of proper hygiene - No doubt some women are dirty. Some even smell. If your husband is neat and is allergic to dirt e.g. myself, you can easily get in trouble. Some men like oral sex and they can't do it because their wives are not clean. Please note that cleanness is not about bathing daily, or applying perfume. Cleanness means everything from your private part, armpit, bra, panties, sweating, mouth odor, hair dirt, salty skin from lack of shower, etc. 

16. Confrontation - Last but not least is physical or verbal confrontation. Some women really have balls. Lol! They can insult, abuse, and even raise their hands on their husbands. No one would accept that. The worse are those who often make this expression "Malam if you are truly a man, and your mother gave birth to you in a halal way then do this or that, else I will do this or that". Such women are often called Bus Conductors. Because such is the language of Bus conductors. Not many men would spare you if you try that.

-Conclusion - 

My hope is that if you are guilty of any of the above-mentioned habits, please stop it. At times even if a man is not a woman-beater, some women would compel him to raise his hands. Beating is completely discouraged. There is no honor or dignity in beating. But also note that there is no honor or dignity in indulging in any of the above characters. 

May Allah guide us all and make us pious and nice to our spouses. Amin.