﷽
*Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage*
*Episode 80*
*POLYGAMY (PLURAL MARRIAGE)*
In the Name of Allāh, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Almighty Allāh says in His Holy Book:
“And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice”
[al-Nisa’ 4:3]
This is a Qur’anic text which shows that plural marriage is allowed. According to Islamic sharee’ah, a man is permitted to marry one, two, three or four wives, in the sense that he may have this number of wives at one time. It is not permissible for him to have more than four. This was stated by the mufassireen (commentators on the Qur’an) and fuqaha’ (jurists), and there is consensus among the Muslims on this point, with no differing opinions.
It should be noted that there are conditions attached to plural marriage:
1. Justice or fairness.
Allāh says:
“but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one”
[al-Nisa’ 4:3]
This verse indicates that just treatment is a condition for plural marriage to be permitted. If a man is afraid that he will not be able to treat his wives justly if he marries more than one, then it is forbidden for him to marry more than one. What is meant by the justice that is required in order for a man to be permitted to have more than one wife is that he should treat his wives equally in terms of spending, clothing, spending the night with them and other material things that are under his control.
With regard to justice or fairness in terms of love, he is not held accountable for that, and that is not required of him because he has no control over that. This is what is meant by the verse,
“You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire”
[al-Nisa’ 4:129].
2. The ability to spend on one’s wives:
The evidence for this condition is the verse:
“And let those who find not the financial means for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allāh enriches them of His Bounty”
[al-Noor 24:33]
In this verse Allāh commands those who are able to get married but cannot find the financial means, to remain chaste. One such example is not having enough money to pay the mahr (dowry) and not being able to spend on one’s wife. (al-Mufassal fi Ahkaam al-Mar’ah, part 6, p. 286).
THE WISDOM BEHIND PERMITTING PLURAL MARRIAGE
1. Plural marriage helps to increase the numbers of the ummah (nation, Muslim community). It is known that the numbers can only be increased through marriage, and the number of offspring gained through plural marriage will be greater than that achieved through marriage to one wife.
2. Statistics show that the number of women is greater than the number of men; if each man were to marry just one woman, this would mean that some women would be left without a husband, which would have a harmful effect on her and on society:
3. Men are exposed to incidents that may end their lives, for they work in dangerous professions. They are the soldiers who fight in battle, and more men may die than women. This is one of the things that raise the percentage of husbandless women, and the only solution to this problem is plural marriage.
4. There are some men who may have strong physical desires, for whom one wife is not enough. If the door is closed to such a man and he is told, you are not allowed more than one wife, this will cause great hardship to him, and his desire may find outlets in forbidden ways.
5. Plural marriage does not exist only in the Islamic religion, rather it was known among the previous nations. Some of the Prophets were married to more than one woman.
6. A wife may be barren, or she may not meet her husband’s needs, or he may be unable to have intercourse with her because she is sick. A husband may long to have children, which is a legitimate desire, and he may want to have a sex life within marriage, which is something permissible, and the only way is to marry another wife. It is only fair for the wife to agree to remain his wife and to allow him to marry another.
7. A woman may be one of the man’s relatives and have no one to look after her, and she is unmarried or a widow whose husband has died, and the man may think that the best thing to do for her is to include her in his household as a wife along with his first wife, so that he will both keep her chaste and spend on her. This is better for her than leaving her alone and being content only to spend on her.
8. There are other shar’i interests that call for plural marriages, such as strengthening the bonds between families, or strengthening the bonds between a leader and some of his people or group, and he may think that one of the ways of achieving this aim is to become related to them through marriage, even if that is through plural marriage.
POLYGYNY IS NOT THEIR FEAR, BUT YOUR INADEQUACIES.
.
Sometimes, it's not the polygyny itself that women fear, it's your inadequacy as a man that gives them heartache and boils their spine. if you marry a second wife, your first wife will have many questions in her mind begging for answers:
1. She would want to know if you will still fulfil all the sweet promises you made to her.
2. She would want to know if you will still be caring to her the way you used to or abandon her like an old rag.
3. She wants to know how you’ll be just between them.
4. She wants to know whose problem you’ll attend to first when it happens the same time.
5. She’ll want to know if those future plans she had with you will now be shattered, especially the plans concerning her children and the likes.
6. She wants to know if her secrets would still be safe with you or if you’ll divulge them to the co-wife so easily.
7. She would be wondering if you’ll backbite about her to the co-wife.
8. She wants to know if you’ll still crack jokes with her as you used to or begin to frown all the time.
9. She wants to know if you’ll now prefer her co-wives food/company to her own e.t.c.
.
So because of all these and more, she would have mood swings often, suspect you unnecessarily, she would begin to see what you did not do and hear what you did not say. However, even the incoming second wife has her own fears too:
1. Would the co-wife welcome me with open arms into the house or with a fight?
2. I know my husband loves me, but would my co-wife love me?
3. I learnt that my co-wife is rich, but would she write me off because i am poor or embrace me like her own sister?
4. Would my husband’s family cherish me the way they cherish her?
5. Would my co-wife poison the minds of her kids against me?
6. Would i be given my rights in the house or treated as a second option?
7. If my co-wife and i have a dispute, would my husband be just or take sides with the first wife?
8) Would my co-wife treat me like a gold-digger simply because she started it from the scratch with him while i only came into the picture recently?
.
So both women have their fears and puzzles waiting to be solved by destiny, thus each of them may want to prove to the other that she is her husband's favourite:
عَنْ أَسْمَاءَ، جَاءَتِ امْرَأَةٌ إِلَى النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَتْ إِنَّ لِي ضَرَّةً فَهَلْ عَلَىَّ جُنَاحٌ أَنْ أَتَشَبَّعَ مِنْ مَالِ زَوْجِي بِمَا لَمْ يُعْطِنِي فَقَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم " الْمُتَشَبِّعُ بِمَا لَمْ يُعْطَ كَلاَبِسِ ثَوْبَىْ زُورٍ
Asmah (radiAllahu anha) said,
A woman came to the prophet salallahu alayhi wassalam and said:
‘Oh messenger of Allah, i have a co-wife, is there any blame on me, if i give her the false impression that my husband gave me something which infact he didn’t give me?’
The prophet salallahu alayhi wassalam said:
The one who creates such false impression is like a person who wears double garments of deception. (Saheeh Muslim 2130)
.
So as a man, while receiving the hearty congratulations in regards to your second marriage, note that your wives may not be as happy as you are, because their fears has overwhelmed their joy, reassure them of your promises and pamper them, make each one feel like she is the only queen in your kingdom, make them see reasons why they are not rivals but partners, only then would they reason with you and ease the task for you, for if they wish not to ease things for you, they can crash down your whole life and everything in it within a matter of hours.
May Allāh (Sub-haanahu wata'aala) make us better husbands and grant our women the patience and wisdom to dwell in peace and harmony. Ameen.
*{To be continued In-sha-Allāh (If Allāh Wills)...}*
*"And keep reminding, because reminding benefits the believers."* (Qur-ān 51:55)
*Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage*
*Episode 80*
*POLYGAMY (PLURAL MARRIAGE)*
In the Name of Allāh, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Almighty Allāh says in His Holy Book:
“And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice”
[al-Nisa’ 4:3]
This is a Qur’anic text which shows that plural marriage is allowed. According to Islamic sharee’ah, a man is permitted to marry one, two, three or four wives, in the sense that he may have this number of wives at one time. It is not permissible for him to have more than four. This was stated by the mufassireen (commentators on the Qur’an) and fuqaha’ (jurists), and there is consensus among the Muslims on this point, with no differing opinions.
It should be noted that there are conditions attached to plural marriage:
1. Justice or fairness.
Allāh says:
“but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one”
[al-Nisa’ 4:3]
This verse indicates that just treatment is a condition for plural marriage to be permitted. If a man is afraid that he will not be able to treat his wives justly if he marries more than one, then it is forbidden for him to marry more than one. What is meant by the justice that is required in order for a man to be permitted to have more than one wife is that he should treat his wives equally in terms of spending, clothing, spending the night with them and other material things that are under his control.
With regard to justice or fairness in terms of love, he is not held accountable for that, and that is not required of him because he has no control over that. This is what is meant by the verse,
“You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire”
[al-Nisa’ 4:129].
2. The ability to spend on one’s wives:
The evidence for this condition is the verse:
“And let those who find not the financial means for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allāh enriches them of His Bounty”
[al-Noor 24:33]
In this verse Allāh commands those who are able to get married but cannot find the financial means, to remain chaste. One such example is not having enough money to pay the mahr (dowry) and not being able to spend on one’s wife. (al-Mufassal fi Ahkaam al-Mar’ah, part 6, p. 286).
THE WISDOM BEHIND PERMITTING PLURAL MARRIAGE
1. Plural marriage helps to increase the numbers of the ummah (nation, Muslim community). It is known that the numbers can only be increased through marriage, and the number of offspring gained through plural marriage will be greater than that achieved through marriage to one wife.
2. Statistics show that the number of women is greater than the number of men; if each man were to marry just one woman, this would mean that some women would be left without a husband, which would have a harmful effect on her and on society:
3. Men are exposed to incidents that may end their lives, for they work in dangerous professions. They are the soldiers who fight in battle, and more men may die than women. This is one of the things that raise the percentage of husbandless women, and the only solution to this problem is plural marriage.
4. There are some men who may have strong physical desires, for whom one wife is not enough. If the door is closed to such a man and he is told, you are not allowed more than one wife, this will cause great hardship to him, and his desire may find outlets in forbidden ways.
5. Plural marriage does not exist only in the Islamic religion, rather it was known among the previous nations. Some of the Prophets were married to more than one woman.
6. A wife may be barren, or she may not meet her husband’s needs, or he may be unable to have intercourse with her because she is sick. A husband may long to have children, which is a legitimate desire, and he may want to have a sex life within marriage, which is something permissible, and the only way is to marry another wife. It is only fair for the wife to agree to remain his wife and to allow him to marry another.
7. A woman may be one of the man’s relatives and have no one to look after her, and she is unmarried or a widow whose husband has died, and the man may think that the best thing to do for her is to include her in his household as a wife along with his first wife, so that he will both keep her chaste and spend on her. This is better for her than leaving her alone and being content only to spend on her.
8. There are other shar’i interests that call for plural marriages, such as strengthening the bonds between families, or strengthening the bonds between a leader and some of his people or group, and he may think that one of the ways of achieving this aim is to become related to them through marriage, even if that is through plural marriage.
POLYGYNY IS NOT THEIR FEAR, BUT YOUR INADEQUACIES.
.
Sometimes, it's not the polygyny itself that women fear, it's your inadequacy as a man that gives them heartache and boils their spine. if you marry a second wife, your first wife will have many questions in her mind begging for answers:
1. She would want to know if you will still fulfil all the sweet promises you made to her.
2. She would want to know if you will still be caring to her the way you used to or abandon her like an old rag.
3. She wants to know how you’ll be just between them.
4. She wants to know whose problem you’ll attend to first when it happens the same time.
5. She’ll want to know if those future plans she had with you will now be shattered, especially the plans concerning her children and the likes.
6. She wants to know if her secrets would still be safe with you or if you’ll divulge them to the co-wife so easily.
7. She would be wondering if you’ll backbite about her to the co-wife.
8. She wants to know if you’ll still crack jokes with her as you used to or begin to frown all the time.
9. She wants to know if you’ll now prefer her co-wives food/company to her own e.t.c.
.
So because of all these and more, she would have mood swings often, suspect you unnecessarily, she would begin to see what you did not do and hear what you did not say. However, even the incoming second wife has her own fears too:
1. Would the co-wife welcome me with open arms into the house or with a fight?
2. I know my husband loves me, but would my co-wife love me?
3. I learnt that my co-wife is rich, but would she write me off because i am poor or embrace me like her own sister?
4. Would my husband’s family cherish me the way they cherish her?
5. Would my co-wife poison the minds of her kids against me?
6. Would i be given my rights in the house or treated as a second option?
7. If my co-wife and i have a dispute, would my husband be just or take sides with the first wife?
8) Would my co-wife treat me like a gold-digger simply because she started it from the scratch with him while i only came into the picture recently?
.
So both women have their fears and puzzles waiting to be solved by destiny, thus each of them may want to prove to the other that she is her husband's favourite:
عَنْ أَسْمَاءَ، جَاءَتِ امْرَأَةٌ إِلَى النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَتْ إِنَّ لِي ضَرَّةً فَهَلْ عَلَىَّ جُنَاحٌ أَنْ أَتَشَبَّعَ مِنْ مَالِ زَوْجِي بِمَا لَمْ يُعْطِنِي فَقَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم " الْمُتَشَبِّعُ بِمَا لَمْ يُعْطَ كَلاَبِسِ ثَوْبَىْ زُورٍ
Asmah (radiAllahu anha) said,
A woman came to the prophet salallahu alayhi wassalam and said:
‘Oh messenger of Allah, i have a co-wife, is there any blame on me, if i give her the false impression that my husband gave me something which infact he didn’t give me?’
The prophet salallahu alayhi wassalam said:
The one who creates such false impression is like a person who wears double garments of deception. (Saheeh Muslim 2130)
.
So as a man, while receiving the hearty congratulations in regards to your second marriage, note that your wives may not be as happy as you are, because their fears has overwhelmed their joy, reassure them of your promises and pamper them, make each one feel like she is the only queen in your kingdom, make them see reasons why they are not rivals but partners, only then would they reason with you and ease the task for you, for if they wish not to ease things for you, they can crash down your whole life and everything in it within a matter of hours.
May Allāh (Sub-haanahu wata'aala) make us better husbands and grant our women the patience and wisdom to dwell in peace and harmony. Ameen.
*{To be continued In-sha-Allāh (If Allāh Wills)...}*
*"And keep reminding, because reminding benefits the believers."* (Qur-ān 51:55)
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