Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage* *Episode 277* *THE KEY TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE (3)

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*Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage*

*Episode 277*

*THE KEY TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE (3)*

To make a successful marriage, it is also vital that you take into consideration the needs and nature of your partner. What he or she believes about 'life, the universe and everything' is important in the pursuit of your own happiness and success. For if only one half of the partnership is happy and fulfilled by the relationship, it will not be long before 

both are affected. 

People intending to marry need to know from the outset whether or not they are compatible with each other. This means more than whether or not they are from a suitable family, or whether they are practicing the basic obligations of the faith: such things are 

important, but to believe that they are all that matters may lead to disaster. Sometimes, 

when one has fallen in love one is almost in a state of sickness which impairs the mental 

state. They say 'love is blind': as Imam Busiri says in his poem Al-Burda: `You have besieged me with advice, but I hear it not; for the man in love is deaf to all reproaches.' Often the 

person in love is so besotted with the beloved that they simply cannot see the things that 

are 'wrong' with the loved one. Or if they can, they assume that their love is so powerful 

that it will overcome all obstacles and incompatibilities, and will be able to influence the beloved to change according to the desires and tastes of the lover. 

Some hope! If two people are not well-suited as a team, then the going is likely to be 

rough. According to an old Middle Eastern proverb, a field cannot be properly ploughed if an ox and a donkey are yoked together. Such a performance might be possible, but it would 

cause pain and hardship to both.

 

The same applies in marriage. If a man and woman have totally different interests, 

tastes, pastimes, and types of friends, it is a dead cert that their marriage will soon come 

under strain. This is one good reason why it is important for life-partners to have a shared 

attitude to their religion. Allah has prohibited marriage to polytheists, and has commanded 

us to marry people of religion. He has also approved the involvement of parents and 

guardians in the choice of spouse. 

Family backgrounds often have a great deal to do with the set of values people have. 

When the backgrounds of both husband and wife are similar, they will probably find it easier to grow together. However, Allah and His Prophet (P.B.U.H) have stated that people from 

widely different backgrounds can make very good marriages, so long as their attitude to 

their religion is compatible. 

'A slave who believes is better (for you) than an idolatress, though she attract you.' 

(Qur'an, 2:221) 

'A woman is married for four reasons: for her property, her rank, her beauty and her 

religion. Win the one who is religious, and you will prosper.' (Bukhari and Muslim) 

Many marriages these days end up in unhappiness or even divorce on the grounds of incompatibility. If the partners had stood aside from the issue of 'being in love' for a moment, and had been careful to examine their actual compatibility instead, these tragedies might have been averted. Hence the importance of intelligent parental help in selecting and assessing potential partners!

Sincere respect for each other is the most vital element-not so-called 'closeness' and 

physical intimacy before marriage. Unbridled passion might seem flattering at first, but it 

actually betrays a selfish unconcern for the other person's happiness. It might also sow seeds of doubt that could later give rise to uncertainty as to the real motive for the marriage. Was it merely to provide an outlet for passion, or was it genuinely to share a lifetime with someone who is truly appreciated and loved? Many find out to their cost that lack of 

self-control before marriage frequently foreshadows lack of self-control afterwards. However, it is never possible for two people to be completely compatible in 

every respect, for they are two separate individuals, each with a distinct soul and personality. If one partner simply tries to dominate the other so as to wipe out the other spouse's personality, tragedy is on the way. One of the biggest dangers of 'macho' males is that after a very short period of married life they tend to think of their partners in terms of 'wife' or 'extension of self;' or even 'property,' and forget that Islam recognises women as persons in their own right.