Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage* *Episode 278* *THE KEY TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE (4)

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*Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage*

*Episode 278*

*THE KEY TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE (4)*

When husbands on the brink of divorce are interviewed by counsellors such as the 

Relate teams, they frequently realise with a shock that even though they might have been 

married for years and have perhaps expected their wives to pander to their every whim, 

they do not have the least idea what their wife's favourite colour, or dress, or hobby is, or 

who their friends are. They simply never noticed any aspect of their wife that did not 

specifically relate to them.

 

People are not perfect, of course; we all have shortcomings. A spouse might not be aware of the shortcomings of his or her partner before marriage, but will certainly pick up this awareness pretty soon afterwards. Some marriages virtually die in the honeymoon period, if some awful, unsuspected habit is suddenly revealed in the intimacy of the bedroom.

A friend of mine, for example, accepted her arranged marriage quite happily, until she discovered that her new husband had disgusting personal habits, and even threw his meal leftovers out of the window! Previously, he had performed such personal chores as picking his nose, cutting his toenails, and passing wind, in private. This poor lady discovered that he thought his wife did not count, and happily did these things in her presence. She was naturally disgusted. It proved impossible to cure these shortcomings, so the marriage was 

swiftly doomed. 

So, if you love him, but you are irritated by the way he always leaves a mess for others to clear up, never gives you a little gift or remembers important dates, and you find the way he honks out his throat disgusting, he is going to drive you crazy after marriage.

 

And if you adore her, but you wish she didn't witter on quite so much, or talk about you to her friends, or go into sulks and tears at the slightest thing, or cling to you quite so tightly when you are going out-then the gazing at you and talking at you will soon pall, and you'll 

be off with your friends to get a break from it, only to return later to the tantrums and the 

tears. 

If you can see his or her faults, and love him or her anyway (without changes), and are 

able to live with your irritation-fair enough. But if you know that would be impossible, think 

twice. Suppose your pet hate was dirty socks, but your man wears them until they stick to the wall if thrown there? I knew such a man. Over twenty years of nagging had no effect on him. Suppose the smell of pipe smoke makes you feel sick? Yes, he may say he'll give it all 

up for you-but we've all met failed nonsmokers before! 

It is not the shortcomings themselves that make a marriage fail, but the inability to communicate about them, and tackle them, or make allowances for them. Are you flexible enough to make allowances, as you wish allowances to be made for you? Do the good points of your loved one outweigh the bad? Love certainly does cover a multitude of sins; 

but do you really love that person enough, or were you really only in love with a dream of 

what you would like your loved one to be, and not the real person, warts and all? 

Some men and women never give up their `dream lovers,' ideals created in their own 

fantasies. They spend a lifetime hankering after that ideal, or trying to mould the one they 

have into that ideal. By 'mould,' we occasionally mean 'force.’ Either way, it is pretty miserable and insulting for the one whose natural character is being rejected. 

Sometimes people are 'in love with love,' and crave the excitement and satisfaction of continual romance. Once the more down-to-earth partner begins to settle in, they feel taken for granted and starved of affection, and the craving for the fire of fresh love overcomes the domestic cosiness and contentment, which seems so dull by comparison.

 

Their ideal lover would present his or her soul on a plate to them every time they gaze into 

each other's eyes. They never realise that the dream person does not exist beyond their own 

fantasies. Consequently, they are always in the 'pain' of love. Dissatisfied, frustrated 

lovers do not make good marriage material. In Muslim marriage, it is reality that counts. 

It is foolish not to think seriously about the problems that other people can see, 

and ignore the wise advice of those who care about you. Those who simply close their 

eyes and minds to unpleasant details before marriage will certainly have to face them 

later, when the need to be on best behaviour has gone and both partners are reverting to type. It is vitally important for husband and wife to see the other person as he or she really is, and also to be honest in presenting their true selves to their partners. Marriages based on fantasy, fakery and illusion are doomed.