Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage Episode 304 Principles In Familial Stability

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*Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage*

*Episode 304*

*Principles In Familial Stability*

*4. The Fourth Principle: The accumulation of problems is a reason for weakness or separation.*

An initiative must be taken to end the presence of any

problem within the family life before it builds up and the

wife or the husband has several issues, piled on top of

one another, to the point that it becomes difficult after

that to mend this breach or patch it. 

Being accustomed to conversational sittings amongst

spouses; and I say ‘accustomed’ because a lot of issues

need to become a norm in our lives: good conversation,

good understanding, speaking softly... Conversational

sittings amongst spouses are from the greatest of

means to having a continuing, long-lasting familial life

and stability, and from the greatest of means to lasting

affection, dealing with things in a good way, and living

with the spouse honourably, all of which is a sought-after

and desired matter in our Shari’ah.

Fleeing from mending the disagreements and fleeing

from rectifying the mistakes is a reason for them to add

up eventually, and it could lead to at the end of the

journey, if not an actual divorce, then at the very least an

emotional divorce, a psychological separation, and/or

disaffection.

Something of waiving off of things between the

spouses to repel this disagreement [is necessary, and

similarly is] something of having good thoughts [about

each other], something of overlooking and feigning

inattention —as will be discussed later—, being

accustomed to pardoning and forgiving, especially

when the other person apologizes or presents an

excuse...etc. Beware of insisting upon your stance as a

husband against his wife, while she presents to you an

apology. And you as a wife, beware of taking a strong

rigid stance that prevents water to return to its normal

course —as they say— while your husband has put

forward an apology. 

However, here I draw attention to the fact that it is from

the rights of the wife that her husband apologizes if he

makes a mistake, and similarly, it is from the rights of the

husband that the wife apologizes if she makes a

mistake. But it is not befitting that the wife makes the

situation difficult upon the husband by seeking from him

a straightforward apology, the result of which the

husband perhaps finds himself that he is in a humiliating

situation; a lot of husbands do not accept this, and it’s

upon the wife that she accepts even if a simple apology.

And it has come in a narration from some of the Salaf

(pious predecessors): “The believers are those who

excuse others, they accept excuses”.

So if he makes a mistake and then approaches you

with a smiling and cheerful face, while he tries to return

things to the beautiful state they were in, then it’s not

befitting for you to clash with this affair by not accepting

the return of anything unless it is accompanied with a

straightforward apology. Similarly, the husband should

be forgiving and kind, and greatly appreciative of his

wife if she apologizes, even if indirectly, and he should

accept that.

In a lot of family problems, in reality, I found that the

origin of the dispute was the intense love between the

spouses and not intense hatred. Rather, out of intense

love, a wife might not deal well with her husband, and

out of the love a husband has for his wife, perhaps at

times, he does not handle things with her in a good

manner. Thus, starts a dispute, and how odd is this

dispute, the reason behind which was love but then lead

to separation! So, it’s a must that there be good

communication, in which good manners are exercised,

and becoming accustomed to doing that. 

Spouses should not cut off communication between

themselves, for we see in our reality that there is a kind

of disaffection that occurs between some of the

husbands with their wives, and it leads to disaffection for

years until the relationship between them is almost

disconnected except for a word and its reply. And no

doubt that this condition is miserable: [they’re] under one

roof and in the same house, but there is disaffection

such that neither of them can look at the face of the

other or sit with them.