Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage Episode 266 ARE YOU AFRAID OF POLYGAMY?

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*Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage*

*Episode 266*

*ARE YOU AFRAID OF POLYGAMY?*

I never knew I will be able to take or imagine that I could live and share my husband with any lady. I never want to think of it and so whenever the issue of polygamy comes up I see myself as exceptional,  my husband can't do and wil not even think of it.

My thoughts were not just out of the blues. I married my husband at the age of 16 years, we lived together just like siblings.  His father was an educationist,  so he encouraged my husband to allow me go as far as I can in education. I did my best and got good education.

Our love was a thing of envy and his friends make mock of him whenever they see him alone, they will ask where was his tail, we were always together even when we had children, it did stop our hanging around each other except while in our places of work. I married him when we were been fed by his parents and my parents, he was just from a comfortable home just like me, no wealth to grab.  We managed our lives with all our strength and thanks to Allah we got to make it in life. He was opportune to hold good public offices. Thirty years after our marriage with 4 children all married, like every other good night outing, we went to our usual joint for dinner and my husband held my hands, profess his undying love for me and ended it up with, my love can you just allow me bring in a sister for you? What sister I asked with a shock in my voice and he hugged me and said he wants to take another wife not because of any fault of mine but he feel like having more. I was dumbfounded for some minutes and he asked if am with him. As I looked at him I see a betrayal  and was about exploding but I can't say what eventually  calm me down. It done on me that he is entitled to four so why should I fight him, I was a fool thinking that it can never or he was not going to have more, while this thought run through my mind I got the courage to reply him. Thanks for been there for me all this while, even though I never thought a day like this will ever come but I have no choice than to welcome your wife, I said. He smiled and said no, welcome your sister, I smiled in pains and said I hope and pray she is going to be a Sister. 

After few minutes I hurried him to get up for us to go back home, he knew that my night was going to be a bad one unlike other outing there was no take away even when he offered to get us some.

He really manage the situation squarely, he took me to visit  the incoming wife and her parents. He did so many things to make me feel at home. We have a very big apartment left empty with the absence of the children, he renovated everywhere and gave me some money to change or buy whatever I needed for myself. All these while I kept the news away from everyone even my children except my elder sister and aunty who stands in as our mum because I don't want anyone to laugh at me after boasting  that my husband is not a man of many wives and also to avoid advises that will worsen my situation.Are you afraid of Polygamy? Episode 2!!!!!

It was time for the arrival of the new bride and so many things ran through my mind given me feverish condition and heartache thank God am not hypertensive but I could see me developing it. Two weeks to the wedding I visited hospital four times which was very unusual,  my husband kept counseling me and giving me assurance that all is well and intact but imagination of loosing our leisure time to some else was killing me inside. 

The marriage was done and the new bride brought to the house. Our husband called us a day after the wedding and counsel us, giving us rules on how he wants us to live and told the Amariya my position in the house which is unshakable. 

He was to be with her for seven days as a new bride before we begin to share three days each.

The 7 days was like 7 years to me, the first night I almost go knocking the door to call him to my room, the night was too long to be normal to me. The rest six days I placed myself on sleeping pills which I almost passed away on the 6th night,  as usual he comes to knock my door for the fajr prayer but no response, he sad he went to the mosque came back and heard to sound from my room, he came knocking again without any response and he had to force the door open only to find me breathing but unconscious, he thought I took some poison.  I was rushed to the hospital where I was revived, the doctor already to them I took some sedective which was responsible for my condition.  When we got back home,  my husband pleaded with me to take things easy and be rest assured that he is still with me. I begged for some time to travel to my sister's place at Port Harcourt which he granted, I took part of my annual leave just to work on myself. 

My sister who already is into polygamy understood my feelings especially  viewing  it from the relationship that exist between my husband and I.  She told me polygamy is not the end of one's life but the beginning of a new phase in a woman's life, that I must erase so many computerised films of my former life in order to accept the new one. She said first and foremost I must erase every funny and childish imagination whenever my husband is with the new bride and when he comes to me I should hold like no other woman exist in his life. A day to my departure back home,  she called me and said she knows my life style with my husband and nothing must change and if there must be a change it must be positive. Don't go into competion with the Amariya to avoid failure, it won't do you any good, be yourself she said.

Back to my humble home,  my husband was waiting for me and was wondering what it was going to look like. Alhamdulillah,  it was a refreshed me, my sister's voice echoed in my head  continously and I could hear her warning me on what not to do and directing me on  what to do. That night I was more of the new bride and I can see my husband so relax and happy that am back to my usual self, the joy in him was so glaring that I understood that he still remain my husband and was actually not going to turn back on me but of course not a 100% assurance this time around because I now know with a man everything is a matter of time. 

Are you afraid of Polygamy? Episode 3 

We began to live our polygamous life, I could see that the Amariya was out for a serious competition but like my sister advised I never gave a damn. 

Our husband made it a duty to peep into the room of any of us who was off duty for pleasantry, this was not good enough and accepted by the Amariya,  she pick quarrel for it and could keep malice with me for that reason but this never stopped our husband from doing so. I once heard him asking her how can he be in same house with his wife and never exchange greetings just because a mate is against it. I was not bothered and not even when am beginning to develop thick skin for any eventuality. 

At any of my period, I ensure we go out as usual and come home late just to sleep off, this was the saddest moment for the Amariya though I discovered that our husband was not really down with the idea but he has no choice because I choose to sponsor every outing we make. Sometimes we share the bill and even take home for the Amariya which most of the time she refuse collecting. This was causing trouble and my husband wanted us to put a stop but I objected because it has been the practice and stopping it is refusing me a privilege he introduced me to which I have enjoyed all this while and that means he was not keeping to his promise. The Amariya had to report this to our eldest sister in-law who called us to know why there should be discrimination in the house. She was told I sponsor our outing and our husband was made to swear. Our sister in-law advised and pleaded with me that our husband should be allowed to take her out once a while, I sarcastically agreed to it. Our husband wasn't confortable with that idea because he felt there will be no justice since I was sponsoring it which my co-wife can't and that I was going to raise some dust sooner or later. 

Like the man he is, he told us that the only free day out of seven days a week he will be taking the both of us out but ones a month,  the Amariya quickly accepted this but I never commented, when it was time to begin the new role, I told my husband in her presence that I was ready to allow her enjoy that period and will choose when to go outing at my own time. Our husband never said anything, so they both went, came back with a take away for me. That night like always is the free night for our husband, he stays back in his room but after giving me my package and he bidded me good night he followed her to her room, I waited for sometime and didn't hear him pass to his room so I picked my phone and asked what/why he was still in her room, that was when he left for his room. The next day Amariya refused to greet me and never answered my greetings and to make matters worst it was the beginning of my days, she faked illness, I allowed our husband to be with her till about 10pm and then come to join me in my room.

We cook and eat from same pot but I decide to make special dish (his favorite)  outside the general food during my days. This again was a big trouble for the Amariya, she accuse our husband of treating me special and giving me more attention and money than her even when she knows my worth. One night, she cried throughout asking for divorce, then she was few months pregnant, her parents had to come in for reconciliation.

After she gave birth, I was all over her and her child, her mum was very happy with this and didn't stay long to take care of her and the baby but left them in my care. At age 3 years, her daughter deserted her for me, she only goes to her in her sleep and immediately is morning she run down to me, I had to be sneaking to office. She then suggested that our husband should get her a different apartment because am taking away everything that belongs to her including her child.

Are you afraid of Polygamy? Episode 4

She continue with different drama on daily basis while I try as much as possible to ignore her. Sometimes I see our husband trying to play to her gallery and I will always remind him of  his promise.

When she became pregnant again, at a point our husband was almost deserting my room, she faked all manner of sickness and he will stay back in her room claiming to be taking care of her, I saw this as the beginning of us parting ways but remained calm. They go out without minding my days and he never care to take excuse as it used to be anymore. 

During a weekend, he called us and said he wants me to choose between  my job and my supermarket, I was surprised that this was coming from a man who was the brain behind the supermarket even though it was a joint business and he was always happy that am doing well in the business and why must she be present for him to tell me this, I asked within myself.  Something told me his Amariya was actually the one speaking through him and I must not allow her take over my joy.

After all his long talk on why I should  allow sales girls run the place then I go ones or twice every month for supervision  and stock taking, I told him I will look into it instead of exploding to give the devil the chance, that ended the meeting.

Whenever is my turn, like always I never stopped my special delicacy for him and looking my best, while eating and chatting I brought up the issue and reminded him of how we started, how we were been fed by our parents and how we got to where we are. I then ask, if he will allow that happy home we built to be destroyed by someone who joined us when the meal was ready for consumption. I told him that night how I love him and very happy having him as a life partner but if he choose to tow the thinking of an intruder then I was very much ready to let her have him forever. He queried my use of the word, intruder and I told him she is an intruder because she came met a happy family and all she got to offer was to put asunder.  He said he decision is just to have a fair and balanced home where the wives are all happy doing whatever they do and not because he was instigated to take the decision and he asked what I meant by letting her have him. To me his excuse was just a crisis management comment, I told him the supermarket is already part and parcel of me and will not for someone's interest leave it to die, therefore, I wasn't going to let go of it to anyone because from every indication his undying love for me is dead and I was ready to bury it, he was shocked by my last statement.

When all her effort to see him take me off the supermarket failed she requested for hers which of course was a big dream, so much has affected our husband's means of livelihood, my children and I are the backbone of the house and because he was a man who was up to his responsibilities and had built a solid family foundation physically, spiritually, morally and financially so no one knows of any changes in his financial stands.

When I perceived that any pressure on him from my end might be detrimental, I gave myself a break, I stopped looking at their side and never notice my husband's absence any more but if he comes to me I give him the best of me.

0ne thing about Polygamy is that when things begins to go wrong at a point the man will be left in limbo if care is not taken. I could see our husband a confused man who doesn't know who and where to hold,  because I was the only one giving him peace and comfort, he started coming back to me, so I got him closer and closer to me again. The narrative changed and I began to have upper hand, it later became all about me again, he told me that one exemplary thing I did that he ever live to love and appreciate me the more was not involving our children. Yes I did that because it was my battle, I  want them to know their dad has his life to live and in life something must go wrong somewhere, sometimes, there must be a trial in a relationship no matter how best we try, it is the test of our faith.

Watch out for the final episode Are you afraid of Polygamy?  Final Episode 

When the music changed, Amariya calls me all sort of names, husband charmer, a remote controller and old cargo that refuse to  let go, for the first time I talked back at her reminding her if she never knew she was married an old cargo, a cargo far older than me.  She cried and rant till our husband came back and she impressed it on him to give her divorce which she was given after about a month due to unending trouble. She left with her little new born while her daughter stayed back with me, who is now married, she loves and still see me as the mother she always have.

I took my time to put all these down as lesson to my fellow Women.  Our fear for polygamy is the beginning of our problem. 

Polygamy is not our problem, our problem whenever polygamy sets in, try to find your stronghold,  that is be yourself and have the grip of your husband. Don't get ready for fight when he choose to bring in another woman, hold unto your position, make yourself relevant, nagging will only edge you out. 

Your husband is yours and he is your problem,  don't ever allow a co-wife whether you are first or whatever position in your marriage to be an issue, If you do that,  she will only succeed in distracting your attention from your husband who is the only reason why you are in that house and when you do that, you are bound to fail. Some women especially if younger comes with sole aim of sending the one at home packing, never give in, age should never be a threat to you, the older the better the chance of standing out tall.

Create an atmosphere where your husband sees you as a shoulder to l lean on. 

When your co-wife choose a battle field, find a gym to sweat out anything that will weigh you down. 

Some of us women, are home breakers,  we find joy when we destroy other people's joy, don't be a victim. 

Avoid telling everyone your family problem, know and choose who deserve to know your secret. Like in my case many friends mocked me secretly and were waiting for me to be sent packing or I leave due to frustration but unfortunately for many of them, I never gave them opportunity to know what was happening even as they sniff they never perceived.

So much went under the carpet that were left out in this write up, it wasn't an easy task as you have read, what kept me going was the good rapport with my husband, I made him my number one problem which I solve by trying at every given monent to remain his wife and he my husband. When a man begins the journey of polygamy no matter how bitter or sweet, he sees it as an avenue to have choice, my husband took in another wife but we are living in peace though not without small, small women wahala but my study from the first one made me a philosopher/psychologist that could withstand any marital temptation even then the present one is just okay to live with. 

Do you know the men sometimes enjoy that fight between the wives? 

They use that to test their position and the level of the women's love for them.

Today I have cause to be thankful to Allah for giving me victory.

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