Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage Episode 299 Celebrating The Difference (3)

 ﷽

*Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage*

*Episode 299*

*Celebrating The Difference (3)*

 

Sometimes the partner really needs to be told that if they keep on doing or saying something the spouse will not feel loved or wanted, and may indeed cease to love or want them. Take a personal and embarrassing example suppose the husband deliberately and thoughtlessly breaks wind in bed? She may be excruciatingly embarrassed, unable to speak to him about what she interprets as a fearful insult, and 

bitterly resent and hate it. If she does not tell him, there will come a day when this action, which the man perhaps sees as a normal and natural need, really makes her despise his lack of thought for her-and the marriage is thenceforth doomed. It might seem a small, trivial matter to the husband, but then 'women are from Venus, men are from Mars.' 

When women talk, good listening skills are the key to the husband's success. In a non-extended family, the wife is dependent upon the husband for emotional support. She does not usually want to make decisions on her own, but wants her husband to agree with her, to back her up. This does not necessarily mean that she wants him to tell her what to do, but just that she needs to feel close to him and to share with him-

something that usually does not bother a man at work too much. 

A good husband grants her enough time, and does listen. A really good husband has worked out that she rarely comes right out with it and says what she wants or what is bothering her-she drops hints. And the irritating thing for the husband is that she expects him to work all this out for himself. That, for her, is a major proof that he has noticed her and taken consideration of her needs, that he loves her. 

When the husband cannot or will not do this, she nearly always assumes that he does not love her. To her, most things she wants seem such little things to ask why can't he even 

give her that? 

Women generally listen hard and pick up all sorts of signals and body language, to see behind the words to what people feel, and what they are thinking. They frequently know intuitively what people want, or need. This is a skill that many men do not emphasize or develop. However, on the down-side, women can become over-come with emotions over small matters, and draw sweeping, dramatic conclusions out of a shrug or a sigh, something which is exasperating and baffling to a husband. 

Husbands could perhaps remember that it is highly likely that throughout her childhood his wife had a close friend, someone to whom she talked about everything, especially feelings, likes and dislikes, loves and tragedies. They may have `lived' together through the turmoils and passions of heroines in books and magazines. They shared and empathised about everything, including the most intimate emotions. 

When childhood is left behind and the girl marries, she very frequently expects the 

husband to become her new "best friend,' and take on the role of 'confidant' where her old girl-friends left off. When the man proves unable to do this, she is often (perhaps unconsciously) disappointed, and feels left out and lonely. 

Women often talk away to their friends, pouring everything out, not hesitating to reveal their fears and troubles. They do not expect their friends to judge them, merely to share their emotions. It may well be that in marriage a woman also has a very strong need for an empathetic listener. But she has very likely forgotten that her husband, coming back to the home after a day `on the outside,' has his own fears, worries, and need for solitude and refreshment. 

Tired husbands will often ignore the petty day-today squabbles and upsets, assuming that if there is a real problem the wife will speak up. The tired wife gets upset over the fact that he is ignoring her obvious state of distress, tiredness and hints. Many husbands do not 

really listen to 'feelings,' but to problems and how to solve them. Their reaction to her 

tirade is usually that she is overreacting-her problems are small and very easy to solve. 

And the wife explodes again. How dare he consider her problems to be small? She is 

doing all this, sacrificing all her life for him, slaving away in drudgery, etc. etc., for him. 

Irritated, the husband tends to withdraw, shut out her noise and the noise from the kids, 

and retreat to somewhere quiet where he can put his feet up and relax, and maybe mull 

over his own day's problems. 

What do husbands really expect from their wives? 

This is another matter that really needs sorting out. They usually need to feel that the health of their families is in safe hands; they expect the wife to buy the proper food and cook proper meals, and keep them fit and well. 

They expect their wives to make some effort to look nice, on their behalf. They expect wives to watch the clock and get themselves ready at appropriate times. Of course, if they break the rules and pop up unexpectedly, or bring people in without notice, they are asking for a nasty surprise. 

They expect their wives to keep their home looking decent, welcoming and clean. Children and toys all over the place can be a major irritant. The answer is usually to have a play-room, if possible, or at least to keep a large toy-box handy where everything can be slung in quickly, out of the way. 

They expect their wives to be pleased to see them, gentle and unharrassing, and they hope that they will not be indifferent towards them in the marital bed. In many cases, a wife's lack of enthusiasm, or sometimes frigidity, may well be due to the husband's lack of consideration and understanding. But wives should be aware that their indifference hurts the husband, and a show of distaste might kill his potency, or even cause him to be attracted to someone else. 

Husbands have the right to trust their wives, and not catch them out doing things or seeing people that the wife knows the husband disapproves of. 'It is not lawful for a woman who believes in Allah to allow anyone into her 

husband's home whom he dislikes... She should not refuse to share her husband's bed. She should not strike him. If he is more in the wrong than she, she should plead with him until he is satisfied. If he accepts her pleading, well and good, and her plea will be accepted by Allah; while if he is not reconciled to her, her plea will have reached Allah in any case.' 

(Hadith from al-Hakim.) 

So once again, don't seethe with resentment because the wife is not doing what you want. Communicate! 'Darling, I used to love it when you put on a fresh dress and perfume just for me. I know the sort of day you have just had, but when you still do it, just to please me, I know that you really do still care about me.' Notice the necessary ingredients of your 

statement: express your hurt, acknowledge their hard work and sacrifice, state your need 

for love and respect-and watch the results. 

Seems too much of a performance? After a little practice the skills just come naturally. They are the basic good manners (adab) of Islamic marriage.