Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage Episode 298

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*Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage*

*Episode 298*

For a wife to feel dearly loved, much more is required than just being pleased 

that she has been able to submit successfully to her husband's will. He could have a 

horse or a dog that is well-trained, submissive and never argues back. But people need real companionship and helpmates to work and live with. What a husband needs is a wife who not only loves and respects him but becomes also a real helper and genuinely 

supports him in the decisions he makes. This, of course, is not difficult when those 

decisions are arrived at following mutual agreement, and are on the right road of 

Islam. 

Things are not quite so easy when you genuinely disagree. What then? Would 

your wife then do her best to make your decision work (provided it was not against the 

will of Allah), or would she hold back stubbornly, and hope to see you make a mess of it, 

and then enjoy the pleasures of 'I told you so'? 

A good Muslim wife will not try to usurp her husband's headship of the family. Many 

women do, of course, and many of them succeed, wearing down their men through constant 

nagging or a constant display of their brilliant efficiency as opposed to the faults and 

inadequacies of their husbands. 

It makes those women very difficult to live with, and it steadily erodes the woman's 

genuine respect for her man. Constant criticism generally produces an uncertain, indecisive 

husband. Don't you remember how those critical, humiliating teachers at school made their pupils feel? They didn't teach them much, but turned them into stupid kids who could never 

get anything right, who ended up either keeping their heads down or aggressively rebelling. 

Wives who can see nothing but their husbands' inadequacies need to remember how difficult 

it is for them to carry out their role as leader, and how easy it is to go wrong. Providing the couple have arrived at their decisions with proper consultation and thoughtfulness, the wife should 'cover the faults' and weaknesses and mistakes of her husband and do her best to boost his confidence, not knock him down. Her loyalty and 

trust in him will all serve to strengthen him and ensure that he improves in skills and 

moves towards success. After all, a good Muslim man should be her best friend, nor her 

enemy. When friends disagree with one another, the decision-maker who proved to be 

wrong will soon dump any friend who crowed and laughed at him, or who continually tried 

to bring him down or belittle him. 

This is another reason, of course, why a woman should be so careful when choosing a husband. She should take great care to marry the sort of man that she is going to respect 

and be able to obey without feeling dreadfully trapped or helpless or frustrated by knowing 

all the time that his leadership will not be up to scratch. 

It can be dangerous when wives start to act like the husband's mother! `Don't forget 

your briefcase!' 'You idiot-you didn't forget so-and-so, did you?' Once the husband starts to 

feel patronised and henpecked by this, he may revert to the little boy's longing to escape 

through the door and get out to play. 

There is also the very real danger that he will really start to identify his wife with his 

mother, and since Mother probably spoilt him rotten, the wife may not come out of the 

comparison too well. Wives should remember the wise old saying-'A man can love a hundred 

women, but he only has one mother.' Turn a wife into a substitute mother, and a husband 

might soon start wishing he had not swapped her for the 'real' one. 

One regular flashpoint in marriage comes when the husband walks in to find a wife in 

tears, in a mood, angry, desperate with worry, or whatever, and he listens for a bit, decides 

it is trivial stuff, mutters something and then goes off to think about his own problems. 

Meanwhile, the wife explodes with the 'You don't love me!' and 'You don't listen to me!' What 

she has perhaps failed to realise is that his withdrawal has nothing to do with her, or anything 

she has said or done. He is still involved in his own fears, insecurities and pains, and perhaps 

even needs to 'lick his wounds.' He doesn't intend to worry her with his problems; so it seems 

doubly hard to be accused of not caring about hers. 

It is usually a highly noticeable feature of a good marriage that when husband and wife 

meet each other again after a day apart, they greet each other properly, and pay attention to

each other for a few moments. Husbands need to be aware that a perfunctory peck on the 

cheek does not count in the wife's eyes as 'paying attention,' and may not satisfy a strong need 

she has for emotional reconnection. 

Women are from Venus, the saying goes, and men are from Mars. When men listen, 

they usually do it swiftly, absorbing the information, working out what to do about it, 

assessing its importance. At work, many men prefer to work out solutions on their own, and 

discuss them only with those whose advice they really need. Some like to get away from the problem for a while, and return to it later. When they get home, they often appreciate 

solitude-and this is where many wives fail to show understanding and appreciation. 

Some wives handle a man's need for peace and solitude badly. They intuitively sense 

the tension, and react by trying to get him to tell them what it is all about. The husband may 

find the thought of his wife knowing about it intrusive and humiliating, and may not wish to talk to her about it, but to keep her and his 'home haven' out of it. It would take far too long 

to explain all the ins and outs to her anyway, and he doesn't want to waste his evening. He doesn't want an hour of his wife mulling it over for him, he wants some peace. Yet, the more he backs off (either to get peace, or to think his problems through alone), there she is trotting behind him in hot pursuit, still pressing to know what's wrong and wanting him to talk about 

it. 

When he manages to shut her up, or to escape, the wife feels hurt, unloved, and left out, partly because he has not paid any attention to her problems or appearance, or the food that she has got ready, and partly because he has not shared his worry with her. He has excluded her, as her friends would not have done. This must mean that he does not love her! 

And the poor man, once he has had enough of chewing over the problem, turns back to the loving wife he had set on one side for the moment only to find her seething with resentment and full of hurt and anger. `Men are from Mars; women are from Venus.' 

Communication is vital. The man has to tell his wife that he needs some peace to 

think things through, and that of course he does love her, he just doesn't want to burden her 

with something from work. When she still cries words that mean 'But why? Aren't I your best 

friend?,' then the best deflection of wrath is the kiss and the undivided attention he can give 

to her feelings. It doesn't have to be for long, just long enough for her to note it and 

acknowledge it. 

A lot of husband-wife bickering happens not because they disagree, but simply 

because the man feels criticised and humiliated and that his wife disapproves of his point of view, while the wife disapproves merely of the way he is talking to her. 

Let's just think about some good listening skills another thing managers frequently 

learn on courses! Active listening is a way of making sure that both speaker and listener 

really understand each other. You have to pay careful attention, and pick out the important 

message (which may be underlying and not on the surface). Try to work out what feelings 

are involved, and acknowledge them. Try not to judge, criticise or dispute until you are sure 

of what the speaker really intended to put across. Let the speaker confirm that, and if you got it wrong, let them explain again. If what you are hearing is criticism, then don't boil 

over-there may be truth in that criticism, but it was simply unloaded on you in a way that 

was painful. Instead of just throwing the pain back on your critic, try to defuse the situation 

by acknowledging that you understand whatever upset feelings you may be held responsible for, and try to work out how you could improve the situation. 

If you really feel that you are justified in a complaint, try to work out how you can 

best deal with it without starting a war. You may feel that your partner was being 

inconsiderate, thoughtless, unwise, arrogant, chauvinistic, etc., but probably he or she did 

not mean to be. State your feelings without making sweeping accusations, and try to phrase your comments as talk about yourself and not attacks on your spouse. Remember that 'the ego is always enjoining evil' (12:53). 

'When you did that, I felt...' This does not accuse your partner, but simply states how 

you felt. He or she cannot argue with that. They might be very surprised, since they 

probably never intended to upset you at all. If you simply charge in with 'You always' or 'You never,' then the person being attacked will frequently just deny it or justify themselves, and the grievance for which you hoped to find a solution might be deflected into just another 

battle over an irrelevant detail of speech. 

'Will you please stop harassing me?' is an attack. 'When you did that, or said that, I 

felt very harassed' is not. It is a statement that presents a problem to the other person, 

which he or she may be required to solve. When people know that particular actions or 

words have particular effects, then if they still persist in doing them, they will have to 

take responsibility for the result. 

'When you always stay out with your friends, leaving me alone, or you don't come 

to bed until I'm asleep, it makes me feel very unloved. It shakes the love I feel for you, and 

I am beginning to feel resentment and dislike instead.' 

Either the man will clock into his work-mode of 'here is a problem to be solved, 

what must I do?' or he will not care less, in which case, why are you still married to 

him?