Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage Episode 297 Celebrating the Difference

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*Let's Change Our Mindsets About Marriage*

*Episode 297*

*Celebrating the Difference*

'And the male is not like the female.' (3:36) 

There is no doubt that when Allah created that 'single soul,' and from it derived the first couple, Woman was not just a revised model of Man. And the differences, far from being the product of chance or random whim, were the wise and compassionate workings of our Creator, Who exquisitely designed each half of the pair to complement the other physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. 

They had certain things in common-and an absolutely fundamental range of differences! 

It is true that there are plenty of 'sensitive' men and 'coldly logical' women. Nevertheless, it does seem that when it comes down to working out the mechanics of helping men and women to live together smoothly as husband and wife, it is a good idea to remind the hopeful newlyweds that they are not the same at all-it is easier to solve a lot of the problems if one remembers the saying that 'women come from Venus, and men come from Mars.' 

Just like visitors from two different planets, husbands and wives don't always 'speak 

the same language,' or understand the same consequences from a course of action, or look at a problem through the eyes of someone from the same background. Quite apart from the 'gender gap,' which has been carved into the chromosomes of every single cell in the body, one obvious factor is that the two partners have come into their marriage from two different families, with entirely different past-tracks. Since experiences in childhood play so important a role in shaping our thinking and attitudes in adulthood, there will be unknown depths to deal with, and conflicting views will inevitably break surface from time to time. When both partners come from a very similar background, sharing the same religious beliefs and practices and aims, the problems are greatly reduced-but they are not done away with entirely. Much depends on what happened to them as individual boys and girls. 

Men who get a frequent blasting of the repeat tunes: 'You don't love me! ‘You never listen to me!' 'You don't care how I feel!' need to ask themselves why it is that their wives are feeling so insecure. Are they really lacking in love, or not communicating that love? A wife who knows that she is very dear to her husband feels warm and safe inside. However, if 

a wife had a cold and inadequate father who did not give her adequate emotional support as a child, or one who despised his wife and treated her abusively as if she was a fool or a 

servant, then when she is 'off-guard,' low and tired, she may have an overwhelming need for 

approval and reassurance that has nothing to do with her husband. The perplexed husband 

cries: 'But I could tell her I love her a hundred times, and it still wouldn't be enough!' This, 

unfortunately, is true-but understanding why might help alleviate his irritation and 

bafflement. 

It is a good idea for husbands and wives to try to see each other from the perspective of their pasts, rather than their own. This is particularly important when the partner has been systematically humiliated and cruelly treated, or abused physically or sexually by a parent or guardian, or was unwanted. You cannot undo the past, nor completely cure its effects; but you can do a very great deal to heal a distressed mate, or at least comfort them in love. Instead of down playing the neglect or abuse, even though you may not have experienced it personally, you should not underrate their anguish, but acknowledge their past and give your support. 

Therefore, it is only fair; of course, if the 'hurt' partner makes sure the other fully understands the problem, so far as he or she is able to communicate it. At a time when emotions are not heated, discuss your feelings, explain why you feel hurt and what you need in order to feel reassured. Hurt people have such a natural tendency to summon up all the traumas from 

the past and use them as emotional weaponry when they get into arguments. 

Whenever you hear 'It's all your fault!,' 'You should/ shouldn't be able to do this!' or the 

deadly 'You always/ never do/ remember that!' you are probably dealing with a ghost from the past. Husbands or wives who use this kind of phraseology do not mean it really-the statements ,ire provably not true-but there is an old accumulated 'hangup' of deep feeling here. It doesn't take much to restimulate all that old pain. These husbands and wives should try to rephrase themselves assertively in terms 

of how they feel about whatever it is, rather than an accusation of what the other is 

or is not doing. 

'When you do that, I feel unloved /misunderstood,' is much more dealable-with 

than 'You don't love me' or 'You never understand me!' It is a very good idea to get out a book on basic assertiveness training, and have a look into its insights and skills. Most 

managers who work smoothly with their staff do this-they are sent on courses. It wouldn't hurt those trying to run a good, smooth marriage to know some of the same techniques.